The 8 Commandments of Kobe Worshippers

December 24, 2014

The often uninformed and silly cult of Kobe is a very real part of the Los Angeles sports scene. While on the surface Kobe Bryant fanatics sometimes appear to be just like other Lakers fans who support the legendary shooting guard, they are not.

In fact, these Kobe followers generally have a different mentality altogether.

To better help you understand these differences, the DSH has identified “The 8 Commandments of Kobe Worshippers.”

1. Thou shall accept only those facts that suggest Kobe is the greatest player in NBA history.

One should be able to instantly recall Kobe’s 81-point performance, his five NBA championships, and his peerless shot-making in any discussion. These must be chanted like a mantra.

But one must ignore any talk of FG%, efficiency, or plus/minus numbers. Such stats are as evil as a modern science textbook.

2. Thou shall deflect blame for losses and other team failings from Kobe at all costs.

As a matter of faith, accept that Kobe is a semi-celestial figure, not a human being with the frailties and inadequacies of other NBA players. To suggest otherwise is to blaspheme against Him.

There will always be good reasons to blame the coach and management, but never forget to blame every Lakers teammate from the other starters to the last man on the bench. Leave no stone unturned.

3. Thou shall vow to never learn about or watch NBA basketball before 1996.

For all intents and purposes, one must act like Kobe Bryant invented basketball.

Other historically great players are like dinosaurs…they didn't exist and any record of their great performances are probably just atheistic creations by haters of the Holy Mamba.

But just to be safe, if dinosaurs did exist in the distant past, then remember Kobe was alive then too and was surely riding one to the hoop.

4. Thou shall dismiss passing and teamwork as overrated concepts.

Recall this Kobe-inspired maxim if you want to understand: It doesn't matter how many times you shoot, it just matters if you make a few.

Accordingly, just as nature requires that the sun revolve around the earth, so should the ball always go to Kobe.

5. Thou shall never doubt that Kobe can win the game by himself.

Ignore the 3/15 or 8/30 shooting performances, or the twelve straight missed shots in the last five seconds of overtime and regulation with the game on the line.

Remember, while the planet’s temperature is fine and global warming is false, Kobe is about to heat up any moment from now and take over.

6. Thou shall proselytize your faith.

In other words, make consistent efforts to differentiate yourself from other Lakers fans whenever you get the chance. Be willing to look foolish to meet this end.

For example, proudly chant “MVP! MVP!” while Kobe is shooting free throws in the 3rd or 4th quarter of a blowout in which the Lakers trail by more than 30 points.

7. Thou shall passionately hate Shaquille O’neal and rewrite the record.

Argue with anyone who holds Shaq in high regard. By the time you are done, others should be convinced that Shaq was mostly Kobe’s sidekick rather than the other way around.

For the crime of refusing to bow down to Kobe, the Diesel must be ripped from his lofty place in Lakers lore and brought back down to our flat earth.

8. Thou shall desire great stats for Kobe more than a Lakers victory.

True liberation is impossible without accepting that only through Kobe can the Lakers be saved. A Lakers victory without Kobe is meaningless and is less preferable to a defeat in which the Great 24 is firing away in all His glory.

As the wonderful old saying goes, “It’s not about whether your team wins or loses, but whether your favorite player took at least twenty-five shots.”

by Manish Pandya
Staff Editor for

No comments:

Post a Comment

We encourage all intelligent, passionate comments. Please refrain from any ignorant, racist, or offensive rants.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...